A Drunk Thought

Date Unknown

When I drink I think 
of all the things I've lost control
My mind floods with the losses
and I seem to tarry on the life
I never should have let go.
Too much control.
When I'm out of control I feel my real feelings
and they sting like a butterfly's wings
and the wind whispers your name
hurting myself for letting you go,
thought someone could need me more,
thought that I wasn't important, 
thought that I didn't need you.
So was I wrong,
Did I love you,
I never told you.

Those times I was happy,
I was bragging about my happiness
you were on my mind,
you invaded my heart like a 
welcomed rush of adrenaline
coursing through my veins,
but forgetting my brain.

Couldn't admit it. Couldn't let it.
And so here I am, living with my regret.

Please, please tell me I was happy,
tell me I was happy.

I wanted you as a part of my family,
but my weakness held fast.
My facilitation of another's needs
couldn't compare to my wants,
my requests, my desires.

If only I were strong enough
to kick down the doors, shove open the windows
and scream with all off my might
about the ordeals at night.

Too many years, too many.
Try, don't try.
Believe.