What I want…

9/18/95

Lashing the rain rakes across me,
tormenting my shaking mind
as I scream in mute defiance
trembling and shaking and unstable

Stop, Stop, I yell!
Drowning in the vastness.

Standing alone, sobbing in a room
hearing my pain echo from the walls,
wishing I could flush my feelings
as easily as my waste.

Crying, 
unleashing the raw power of emotion
reciprocating my feelings to myself,
feeling my tears caress my face
holding my body in my embrace,
shaking with fear, trembling with release.

So many questions.
So many fantasies wishing they 
could dance with so many memories.
What should be, what should have been,
what is, what was.

My heart grows with an unencumbered greatness,
drowning me with feelings that I can barely comprehend, 
feelings I tried so hard to squelch, shut out the emotions,
shutdown the distraction, the possibility, the truth.



I want to know why I feel certain ways,
why I react to certain things.
I ask myself the questions that others ask me,
but find no answers.
Or perhaps no answers I'm willing to face?
I don't think so, I can't believe that.
Why does it matter what happened?
Why can't I just let it go?

I am reaching out for help and explanation.
I am seeking fulfillment and understanding.
And I want to be loved and accepted forever.

Do you hear me? I want to be loved and accepted forever!
I want someone else's tears to caress my cheeks.
I want my tears to caress someone else's cheeks!
I am willing to give, accept, understand.
I am willing to fight, work, comprehend!
I want someone else to feel my embrace,
I want someone else's arms around me.
To be romantic with, to be spontaneous with,
to be responsible with, to be angry with,
to be secure with, to be loyal with,
to be found with, to be lost with!

Deep gouges will track my psyche before
I am through, and I will survive.
Even as the night can shroud me,
bringing me peace while I sleep,
so will it again comfort me
bringing me joy when I wake.